Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
