just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
