I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize