I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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