I faked an abortion last night.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
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listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
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So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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