man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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