Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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