you would pick up someone in the library
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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