The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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