Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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