if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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