Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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