I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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