I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
