Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
