hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
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Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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