I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
