we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Mom said you looked used
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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