Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
