I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
