If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
