woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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