I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
