My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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