On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
