Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
