I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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