True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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