My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
