I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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