Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
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We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
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I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.