disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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