I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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