No stitches, just platelets and will power
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels