nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
