Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
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Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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