gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
