I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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