mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
