All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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