I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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