oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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