apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
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So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
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Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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