If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
