She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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