just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
