my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
