What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
