This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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