I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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