when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
