I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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