omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need to wash the frat house off of me
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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