He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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