An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
