my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
