so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
