someone threw a dead crab at me
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just invented taco cereal.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
