Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
