I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I believe in your delicious
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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