I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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