I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
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What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
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That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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