What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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