Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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