I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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