I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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